when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just invented taco cereal.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
