Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
