Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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