I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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