I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
