i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
my liver is dry heaving
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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