My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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