On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
