I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
