I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
