Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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