So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
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Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
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We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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