we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
