it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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