I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
