walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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