my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Randomize
