she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
