If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
