i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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