Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
false alarm, still single
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