I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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