you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Congratulations! We have a period
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
