Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize