i was born a porn star she said
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
