Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
