I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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