I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize