my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
