Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
