He asked to "fluff my boner.."
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
