I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
