Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
