Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
