first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
