mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
i black out too much to be "responsible"
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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