Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
