Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
