I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
