You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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