he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Less talking, more tequila
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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