U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
