So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
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Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
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Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan