So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.