sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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