my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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