So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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