Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
