hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
