oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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