No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
