Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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