no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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